Thinking..

So it's like 6.30am and I can't sleep..
Was laying in bed next to my mahal (who btw is sleeping) but I just can't fall asleep..

Keep thinking about everything that's been going on the last few weeks and I think it's just that that's making it hard for me to sleep..

I feel so stressed out and worried about everything around me I just never feel like I can just chill and relax nahmean??..

Everything has just been like a freakin' rollercoaster in the weeks that have past and I'm just thinking, trying to figure out solutions and ways to get everything back on track..

But some things just ain't as easy to fix as others coz of diff circumstanses and what not and It's pissin me off not beeing able to do anything about things that I KNOW just isn't right..

I feel so empty inside..
I feel so alone..

I'm so tired of always beeing the one thinking of everyone elses feelings and wishes..
I never minded it, but I'm just at that point where it's exausting me

Maliit Ng Update Lng N2 ^_^

So.. It's Wednesday today & it's been a quite slow day today actually..

Just been chillin all day long..

Phone's been ringing off the hook all day long and usually I don't complain about that, but it's been going off for a few days now actually and my ears are kinda getting listened out haha..

I'm looking forward to Saturday, having some ppl over, for some food, drinks & of course KARAOKE!! haha..

Rafa, Sui & Rafa's moms r prolly gonna come a bit earlier coz we got some major food cooking to do ^_^.. So Saturday!!.. Can't wait !!

I've actually been doing alot better now since my last downfall and I'm feeling pretty content with myself right now..

Feeling strong enough to withstand from all the slander B.S & also from the beating myself up for things that relly isn't my fault..

I am who I am, always have and always will be and I like me so I'm staying me so to speak ^_^

Ppl can get how frustrated they want, they can get annoyed & irritated about things that ain't even a thing or even worth getting annoyed with and ya'll know why??.. Coz I don't care anymore..

I'ma keep doing me and if ppl don't feel me regardless of who it might be, then well sorry, I honestly don't care..

Wooohaaa.. Feels good beeing back to my old self.. God dammit I love me!! hahaha

Saka anu nga.. N mmis ko tlaga lhat ng tao s pinas pero ms ms ms n mmiss ko ng kapatid ko ng dlawa kc mtagal n hindi ko nkkita sila eh =(

Pero sana sana sana pg pics s reghine(pinsan ko) kng sila..

Gin!! bilisan m ah!! ^_^

Cge2 an2k n ako.. So I'ma just leave it at that for now & hopefully see ya'll Bukas(tomorrow)

So til then..

Ingat poh kayong Lahat & God Bless !!

_____________________

Song of the day:

A Note To God - Charice Pampengco

WakeUp Call

I think I've started to realize I'm tired of walking around like a zombie..

I've been Soooo out of it for like 2 weeks now or maybe more and I know I've said it before but this time I really am done beeing and feeling like this..

I've honestly and trully done and said everything I can possible say and it doesn't even seem to matter.. And earlier I've felt like omg what did I do wrong, what more can I do, is it me??.. but now.. Me thinking that way, no more..

I'm done apologizing, I'm done feeling guilty and most importantly, I'm done beeing sad..

Didn't sleep so much last night, tried to, but all the thoughts was floating around in my head, so I just laid up, and yeah crying to, thinking about everything that has happened during the last few months, what I've done, what other ppl have done and I realized.. I haven't really been as bad as some ppl try to make me out to be in, not in comparance to what I've had to endure..

I've really done my best considering the circumstances and situations that has occured and I really really don't have that much to feel as shitty as I have been.. So I'm not going to..

All night thinking, all morning, last few weeks just thinking..

And from alot of things that has been shown and said from others.. I've finally got the wakeup call I've needed..

Takes a while sometimes, pero it's been coz of there beeing so much in such a short while.. But when I wake up.. I really wake up..

One thing I know now for sure is that I'm not going to sacrifise myself anymore, I'm not going to hold back from my principals, I'm not going to do anything anymore that goes against what I believe in.. Not from anyone..

"Love me for me or just let me be, coz the ppl who mind don't matter & the ppl who matter don't mind"

If ppl feel that their done.. If ppl feel they've done enough.. Think again.. But it's okay.. You can't force ppl to be their best.. They gotta want that for themselves.. And I know I've always tried to help ppl to see the best in themselves, to do their best.. I wanna help.. That's just me beeing me.. But think it's time for me to make a change in that department and just let ppl be.. Let ppl be who they wanna be and hope that they someday realize I was only trying to help..

"Do for others what you want others to do for you"

I'm doing what I can and I did what I could.. But I'm only human.. And this human is done trying and done bearing everything alone..

So that will be all for now.. prolly be back later.. So til then.. Ingat kayong lahat..

____________________________________

Song of the day:

'Who Am I - Casting Crowns'

Here We Go.. Again !!

Okay so it seems like the only time I really do blog is when I'm either ps:ed, feel like shit or just feel nada.. But hey.. atleast I'm writing again right? ^_^

So it's on again.. Not gonna get into it coz I really don't give a shit about it to be really honest..

I'm just totally and utterly tired of it/this..

It's like dude seriously OPEN YOUR GOD DAMN MOUTH !!..

Coz I'm seriously done with beeing the one ALWAYS or yeah well 98% of the time taking the first step.. I'm NOT doing it no more..

So sick and tired of drowning myself.. I'm fed up with it..

The old me is back and the old me is back for good.. It's as simple as that..

No more crying, no more ignoring shit, no more of what I've been doing period..

And yes I know you gonna read this SO.. I'm telling you straight up and this is the last time..

Step up.. Or Step Off !!

And oh.. Ps. THIS is me taking the first step.. AGAIN !!

___________________________

Quote of the day:

“Changing doesnt mean anything unless you prove it”

What Say The Cards??..

So It's been a kinda slow day today actually..
Been to tired to do anything of high value to be honest haha..


Had laundry time earlier this afternoon but didn't really get to it.. Got stuck on the phone talking to my friends and cousins in Pinas..
God how I miss them..
They were asking when I'd be back and filling me in on all the gossip ^_^
Asked my cousin how Nonoy & Baby are and she said.. "Like always.. Asking for you.. where you at, when you coming back.. The usual".

The two pieces of my heart, are what you are..

I really do wanna go back home I really do.. But the chance I had is gone this time.. Daddy cut me of from my funds.. So now I gotta figure out a way to get him to open em up again.. Gonna be hard.. If not impossible.. atleast for a few months =(..

Oh well..

So I was watching my series on my mahals comp.. (yeah gotta download em' don't have the patience to wait for em' to get broadcasted on Swedish tv.. Takes FOREVER!!)

Havn't gotten the chance to watch "Gossip Girl" yet but I will just as soon as I'm done here ^_^..

But anyways.. So I atleast saw "OTH" and there was one scene in this weeks episode that got me thinking..

Haley(one of the leading roles) was sitting by a pool talking to her sister who has some problems with her ralationship And how she's not feeling happy etc etc.. And there's a short speech she said that just hit me & made me think..

"I know there's supposed to be some big huge important reason, but there's not.. There's just not that much to talk about.. We grew apart.. We stopped laughing as much.. Stopped caring as much.. He's just not the guy I fell in love with and he hasn't been in a while now.. And I just dont wanna feel this broken anymore.."

And yeah I know, I know it's just lines in a serie pero prin.. It's in some way true tho.. There really aren't any big reasons.. Life ain't a movie with dramatic events or situations that occur for relationships to end.. Sometimes they just do..

If you don't make an effort, if you don't read between the lines, if you don't pay attention and consider your partners feelings it will not regardless of how much love there still may be, it will not work and it ends..

I've been very out of it for quite some time now.. But I'm feeling like I'm on my way back to my old self and I gotta say.. I've really missed me..

I'm starting to realize ppl are different, always have been and always will be.. All I can really do now is just let them be and let myself be.. And see what happens.. I'm done beeing put aside, I'm just done with it, that's all..

Don't make demands, that you can't live up til yourself..

"Do for others what you'd want others to do for you"

And if the don't.. Hey well atleast then you've tried right?..

Hmm.. So now what??.. HaHa feeling kinda deep today yo!.. wharrup with that? ^_^

*Meh*.. That to shall pass HaHa

Okay so it's "Gossip Girl" time now ya'll..

Holla At Ya'll L8rs !!

_______________________________________

Quote of the day:

"Sometimes the cards we are dealt are not always fair. However you must keep smiling because life is about making the right decisions, letting go and moving on"

It's All About Give And You Shall Recieve.. BullShit !!

So What Up?.. Been A While.. Again.. ^_^

So I've been trying to figure things out for quite some time now and it seems like, everytime I think things are starting to become a lil' bit clear, something else is beeing said or done to make me feel like I was wrong..

I'm not a person who likes having regrets BUT I'm starting to..

Thinking that maybe I should have gone home yesterday(sunday sep 2oth)..

Back to my life, so to speak.. But I didn't..

And why is that?.. Love.. Love made me stay, but is it really worth it?.. I thought so, but not so sure anymore..

And why is that you ask?

Well I'll tell you.. I didn't go because he didn't want me to.. So I stayed.. For him..

I could at this very moment have been with my siblings (4 & 9 years old) that I haven't seen in 8 months now.. Hugging them, kissing them, playing with them, eating with them, just beeing with them & that I love more then life itself.. & people that know me, know that.. But I'm not.. Because of love..

I could have been trying to make things better between me and my mom that I haven't spoken to in 7 months & that I also love & would give everything for but I'm not.. Because of love..

I could have been out partying with my friends & cousins, shopping, hanging out, at the beachs, at starbucks just zippin coffee just chillin, just enjoying life.. But I'm not.. Because of love..

I could have been hanging out with my Lola(grandmother) going to church, eating good food, playing 'tong et'(pinoy card game), dancing, singing but I'm not.. Because of love..

Yeah I know what ya'll are thinking.. "Sounds like you'd rather be there then here"

Well I do but I didn't nahmean..

But again I say.. starting to regret my decision.. And why?

Well.. I didn't go because he didn't want me to..

So tell me something.. If I can't go, because he don't want me to.. So how come it's okay for him to??

Is that fair??.. Seriously tho.. Is it??

I don't think so.. I might as well have gone back to pinay, been with my siblings, cousins, fam & friends & just waited there for him right?..

So now I'm stuck here feeling like I made the biggest mistake of my life chosing someone who's more in the state of mind of thinking about "him", rather then thinking about "us"..

But let me make one thing clear tho.. I made the decision.. I did.. Me..

So I don't & can't really blame him..

All I feel, is how come it's okay for me to make the big sacrifices but not him..

Everybody makes sacrifices, but I'm tired of making em' all.. That's all..

Hey, when he goes I'll be happy for him, & I hope he as a great great time, coz I get it, Oh God I really do.. But I just won't be here waiting when he gets back.. It's not fair to me.. It really isn't..

Be back later..

Thinking mode 'Activated'

______________________________________

Song of the day:

Nina - I love you goodbye

Back At The Keyboard

Been a long time since I wrote..

Started the new blog to get a fresh start & kinda regretting deleting my old one, but hey, what's done is done right? ^_^

It's been alot of changes since I last wrote.. Both good and bad but thats life ppl..

So lets get this started..

The reason I chose today to start it up again is coz I feel like venting a bit..

I'm feeling very low right now..

Been alot going on & I'm at the point where I need to get it all out and the best way for me to do that is by writing, so here I am..

I've been having some problems with a person I care alot about and I'm really trying to forget..

I knew it wouldn't be easy, but I really didn't think it was gonna be this hard..

I'm a very forgiving person at heart & can forgive most things..

But this??.. This is a new situation even for me & I've experienced ALOT in life for my age..

It hurts and it hurts really bad..

I said I was gonna give it one last chance and I'm a woman of my word so I'm standing by my word.. But for the first time in a long time or maybe even for the first time ever.. I don't know if I'm strong enough..

The pictures in my head, the mind videos, the thoughts of what was, the thoughts of "maybe" thats still a part of the persons nature.. THAT'S what scares me & what hurts..

I really do want it to work & I really really do think ppl deserve a new chance, but I can't help it.. It just hurts so much..

"I love u.. I really do & what scares me the most is that I love u this much already after such a short time & how much pain I've already have had to go thru coz of what you've done& said.."

I just hope that this is it.. that this is time you wake up, open you're eyes and realize that even tho I've given u chance after chance before.. This is the last chance you're ever gonna get..

Prove yourself.. Show me u can change, that you wanna change..

Not just for the moment, but every hour of every day.. Prove yourself

Not just to me, but to yourself most of all..

Okay enough is enough.. An2k N Ako.. But I promise.. I'm back this time & back for good

____________________________________

Song of the day:

Nina - Someday

Back On Swedish Soil.. =) =(

Okay I know I haven't really been writing as much as I thought I was going 2, but ya'll know how it is.. Gone 4 a long time, lot 2 do & a lot of ppl 2 see.. Anyways So I've been back here for a few months now & I gotta say it has actually been better then I expected..

Who would have thought packing your bags and beening half way across the world for a year and a half would actually make a difference??.. Well in my case it has.. Go figure ^_^.. The Philippines changed me in ways I never thought possible & I will forever be thankful 2 my mom for forcing me 2 go there haha..

So I'm back & things are actually pretty good.. I look at all my relationships in a whole new way, friends, fam etc etc and I've actually done things I never thought (and other ppl aswell) I would do..

I just think I'm finally coming to sence with what kind of person I am.. I actually think this is the persn I've always been, but that I just never had a chance show.. It only took me 25 years but hey!.. better late than never right?? haha

I think I'ma leave it at that 4 the moment and holla back at ya'll with an update bukas(tomorrow)..

So ingat Kayong Lahat

tcCic

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Song Of The Day:

Martin Nievera - I'll Be There For You

BadTrip Tlaga Ko !!

It's Linggo nah ult and it has not been a very good day 2day..actually this has been 1 badass messed up day 2 be perfectly honest!

I'm not gonna write about the details pero sometimes ppl are just (short & simple) 2 much!

Glit tlaga ako pero wla ko mgwa dba? basta.. bahala tlaga nila! Pagod nah tlaga ako.. sobra!

I'm just very masaya kasi I have Ate Jane.. Alam kayo.. mhirap tlaga 2 find 22o friends pero alam ko nah that a few actually excist.. Mahal kita best ko! *MuaH*

On a more happy note!.. Happy B-day Kuya Alfredo and may u have many more 2 come and God bless!

Tsaka also mlapit ang b-day n MJ.. basta celebrate tau kahit even wla tau pera! hahaha

Other then that I don't really wanna write anymore kasi badtrip tlaga ako eh..

So I'll just leave u with that and say andvance Happy B-day Poh & God bless!! *MuaH*

Ingat kayo! mtulog nah ako! Goodnight!!

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Song of the day:

That's What Friends Are For - Dionne Warick etc.